I’ve been anticipating great change in my life for months now and i was convinced that this trip would bring the change that i was craving. I wanted to be rid of my American mind in order to enter in to a whole new level of following. I thought that being here would force me to be rid of my desire for money, materials, and routine. Basically, i was anxious to crucify my American ways in order to take part in a new fellowship with God. I wanted to be homeless, dirty, without comfort, and without posessions. But to my surprise, growing up in America has poisoned my soul in a much deeper and more permanent way. In India i still speak only to the people i know, making no new relationships. I still excuse myself when i neglect the gospel because i somehow think that being nice to people is enough. I do not seek opportunity and i feel that a good day is an easy day. One of my teammates was reminding me of how much my generation thinks parenthetically. We are consumed with the future and have no idea what life would be like if we actually took advantage of the moments surrounding us. Since i’ve been here we have traveled and prepared for about a week and i have been wondering when our actual work would start, not realizing that my ministry began when i said “here am i, send me”. The life of a true follower of Jesus does not begin when one feels ready or sure. Instead, real life begins the moment you know that Jesus is a lot different from what you once thought. I’ve known for a long time that i must follow differently, but i chose to rely on my circumstances hoping that my location would change me. Consequently, i am the same sinner i was in America. I have the same desire for comfort and security. I am composed fo the same selfishness and greed. So, this new jesus that i know–this cut-throat, selfless, raw, and fearful man–is exactly what i wish to be. And finally, i do not have to look at the next stages of my life hoping that that Jesus would change me somewhere in the midst of my self-obsession. Now, i can be in this moment, in this place, with these people and pray that my American mind will diminish and my new self will unravel. Therefore, money and comfort are useless to me. I have no plans, only prayers. I live for sacrifice…whatever that means. I will not seek the idealistic way of being like Jesus, but i will lean on the Lord for direction. I am a mother to all children. I center my heart upon living in the very presence of the glory of God.
