Expectations.
We all have them. I sure do, and the most recent ones concerned training camp.
I really didn’t know what to expect when I first came to training camp. I had a vague image, and it mostly consisted of Bible lessons and very slowly getting to know my team mates. I romanticized it, even though I was told that it would be hard, but I never really believed it.
I was roughly shaken to reality, because I never expected to live homeless in downtown Atlanta on the first night.
Neither did I expect to work through some of my hardest struggles and fears.
The past few days have been extremely difficult. I have been stretched and completely pushed out of my comfort zone. The carefully structured fortress I built around my heart has slowly begun to crumble. Showing who I really am and being vulnerable to others is something I have really struggled with and something I have never done, even with my best friends. The reason is, is because I am and have been terrified of rejection. If I let others see who I really am, they may not accept me.
So, telling my team members, who I have only known for four days, my deepest fears and struggles has been extremely difficult. But it has also been freeing as well. I can finally be myself, and discover who I really am.
But the most important aspect of this past week is learning who God is. I’ve grown up in a Baptist/Congregation church, so seeing the other young adults and leaders speaking while the teacher prayed was weird. To see them really get in the spirit and praise God with their whole being really shocked me. I’ve never really understood what it meant to have a relationship with God. To me, God was somewhere, up in the heavens, and I knew that He loved me, but it has all been head knowledge. Sure, I was a “Christian,” I went to church, sung the songs, and did the five minute daily devotion. I knew the Bible stories, but they never really meant anything to me.
But it’s something I want to change. I still don’t understand what it means to have a real relationship with God, and I still struggle to hear God’s voice. But it’s something I want to happen. I want it to be real, authentic. It’s a battle I want to fight, even when it gets difficult.
Training camp has been hard, but definitely worth it.
