This week I have not been continuing to give up my lunches that I talked
about in my last post, but I have been trying to discover if that is
what was wanted and asked of me. It has taken me the entire week to
figure out the answer. I have been frustrated and stressed out about
this; I am being broken and molded into a new character not of my own
but of his. It is beautiful, but more heart wrenching than I
anticipated. What I heard in the midst of a thousand voices and
directions in my mind was, “beloved, rest and be loved.” I have been too
busy talking things out in my head, getting frustrated, and wasting
time when in all reality, when I think about the way he loves me, I have
no time to maintain my regrets. I have been going a hundred miles an
hour trying to work things out in my head that I have not been quiet
enough to listen to the one voice I need to hear. When I finally slowed
down enough to hear, I heard:
All I want to do is love you, all I
want to do is to be with you, all I want to do is be your resting
place, all I want to do is be your provider, all I want to do is use you
the way you want to be used, all I want to do is hold you in my arms
and love you, and Alison, my love endures forever. This week have I not
shown you that all I want is your love?
This is some of how I
was shown his love: Sunday, John accepted a bracelet from us that would
show him who he is. Monday, John was actually wearing it. Tuesday, I got
to learn and sing silly songs with a room full of giggling little kids
from the slums and I also got to have some incredible and encouraging
conversations with some teammates. Wednesday, during snack time, four
kids from my preschool class came and gave me a handful (about half) of
their snacks. It is so hard to accept this from them, I already have so
much to eat and they don’t. But that is kind of how it is with my dad, I
offer him something that is big for me, but so small for him, yet he
loves me and is proud of me for even things that are so small. Also, I
got to help the cook make dinner at the place we are staying. He told me
all about his family and his two daughters that he absolutely adores,
which is a small glimpse of the way my dad loves me. I loved cooking
with him and can’t wait to do it again. It felt like I was spending time
with my dad in the way in which he craves everyday. Thursday, I was
walking around by the place we are staying and walked along the beach
when a lady popped out of her store. We went inside this shack by the
beach and she had her baby laying on the ground laughing. I got to hold
her and play with her for two hours. As I did this I felt my own dad
holding me and making me laugh for two hours. Friday, one of the girls
we were teaching English to went to get some of her friends and they
drew henna all up and down our arms. This is only a small portion in
which I was shown enduring love this week. He does not want me to give
up my lunches, but instead he just wants me to be his beloved. In all of
these examples of intimacy this week, it is continuously running
through my mind that this is only a tiny glimpse of the love he wants to
lavish on me, his beloved daughter.
