If you were to ask me to summarize my past 2 months in one word, that word would be
LOVE.
God has taught me so much about His love in these past 8 weeks.
At training camp, He reminded me how great the love He has for me is and showered me continually with that love.
In our time on the field, He revealed to me even greater depths of His love by letting me experience that same love from the other side. By loving others through me with His love. That incredible, unconditional, mind blowing, gut wrenching love that He loves me with.
Now, in these first few days home, He’s slowly showing me what it means to bring that love home with me and not leave it in India.
I will do my best to describe my experiences and tell you about this love, but a lot of it you’ll just have to experience yourself firsthand.
There is a little girl back in India through whom I learned more and experienced God’s love more than any other. I have written about her before and sometimes I feel like she’s all I talk about (that may or may not be true…), but again, she taught me more than I could put in 50 posts and means more to me than the world, so I’m going to write about her once more!
Her real name I can’t use online, but last time I called her Trinity and will continue to do so now (I found later that on the SCH website they call her Jasmine, but Trinity sounds more like her real name and I’ve already called her that so I’m going to keep it).
I have already written about the way I asked God to give me His heart and love for little Trinity and how He answered that prayer in a more amazing way than I could ever imagine. If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to go back and do so now 🙂
Since that day, she has only taught me more and more and I have only fallen more and more in love with her.
Through the love that God has given me for her, He has shown me so much of His own heart.
He has shown me His unconditional love. He has shown me that when I am grumpy, when I fight Him, when I hurt myself, and when I refuse the things He wants to give me that will help me to grow, it doesn’t change the way He feels about me.
Through all of those times He only loves me more, desires more good things for me, and can’t wait for the next time He can scoop me up in His arms and tell me that I’m His little girl and He loves me more than anything else in the world.
He has shown me what trusting Him really means. Because Trinity is blind, she would have to rely on me completely to guide her and help her as she walked and she trusted me so completely, without reserve.
That is the same faith and trust that I should have in Him. When my hands are in His, even though I can’t see Him and I don’t know where He is taking me, I can walk with a sure step wherever He calls because I know His voice and I know that He would never lead me astray. I know that He will bring me to the place that is best for me. I know that He is right there to catch me when I fall.
More than anything else, though, He has taught me what love really is.
I’m not talking about the kind of love where you get something in return, but the kind of love that He loves us with.
The kind of love that when the world sees brokenness, He sees beauty.
The kind of love that when the world sees weakness, He sees strength.
The kind of love that when the world sees hopelessness, He sees potential.
The kind of love that when the world sees nothing of worth, all He sees is worth.
The kind of love that when the world sees a little girl with special needs that doesn’t have anything to offer, He sees His daughter, a princess, a lily, a little girl that is worth more than all the riches in the world, a little girl with so much potential and hope, a little girl who is worthy of His love because He said so.
The kind of love that when the world sees me with all my sin, all my mistakes and shortcomings, He sees the perfect blood of His son and says that I am clean, that I am washed, that I am His daughter, and that I am loved.
Saying goodbye to Trinity was by far the hardest thing I have ever done and as I pulled her arms and legs off from around my neck and waist, tears streaming down my face and was finally able to let go of her and get her to let go of me, I felt like I was pulling my heart out and leaving it behind.
As I walked home and fought back more tears (unsuccessfully), every step hurt a little more than the one before and it was all I could do not to run back, scoop her up in my arms, and give her one more squeeze.
It has now been over a week since that night I said goodbye to my little girl and I still think about it all the time and wonder if she understands even a little.
Does she know I’m gone or is she still waiting for me to come and swing her into my arms? Does she understand even a tiny bit why I left? Does she know that I still love her more than anything? Does she know that I tear up a little (sometimes a lot – like right now) when I think about her?
Probably not.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt that she knew I loved her and I know that she is in good hands and the One who sent me to love her is still there and is still watching over her, providing for her, and loving her and that’s all that matters.
God knew He was sending me for 2 months and only 2 months and that was the perfect time for Him to accomplish His purpose. I obeyed and did what He asked – I loved without reserve.
Yes, it hurts.
It hurts a lot. But loving little Trinity for 2 months and then having to leave was better than never loving her at all.
I could go on for hours about the things that God has taught me through precious Trinity and all the other things I experienced in India – especially when it comes to His love, but I should probably wrap it up now and if you want to hear more you’ll have to give me a call and I’ll meet you at a coffee shop and we can talk.
Until then, may God richly bless you and may you see and experience greater and greater depths of His love.
