(Phew! It’s way past time I posted a blog!)
Why India?
I was once again recently asked why I wanted to go on a mission’s trip to India. And once again, I didn’t have an answer. At least, one I wasn’t ashamed of.
In my mind, India was uncharted territory. No one in my family, or close friends had ever been. Few, if any, could give me advice on what it would be like or what to expect. I did receive some advice, but for the most part, it was minimal.
And that was what I wanted.
I didn’t want to go to Africa because that’s where most people think of when mission trips are mentioned. More people go there, which in my case, was more unwanted advice.
I didn’t want to live other people’s adventures or experiences. Instead, I wanted one I could call my own, one I could enter with little to no expectations. But it ended up being more than I bargained for.
Thinking about the trip in the comfort of my home, I romanticized it. I pictured a country that, while there would be difficulties, it would be something I could handle. It would be out of my comfort zone, but I would be mature about handling the trials.
I can’t believe I actually thought that. Because of it, I never fully comprehended just how difficult this whole experience would be. Everything I have ever known has been stripped away.
Just being in a different culture has been hard. In America, women, for the most part, have equal rights with men. While women can go to school in India, there is still a huge separation between the two sexes. Like most of the world, women are treated like property. Grant it, women in America are sometimes not treated well either. In many ways the abuse is similar, but in others it’s not.
One major difference is that women can’t look into men’s eyes, because it is a sign of seduction. However, males can stare at and make rude comments to women and that is ok. It makes me extremely frustrated that men will stare at my team and me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know it doesn’t help that we are white, but it is still extremely unnerving.
Also, for the most part, America is relatively clean. There are trashcans on every street and block corner. Groups of people, whether it is their job or voluntary, go around on the high ways and busy roads, cleaning up the litter. While it’s not perfect, the trash on the roads is kept to a minimum.
It’s something that is talked about in church, but I had never seen it with my own eyes.
Not until India.
But while the culture is different, it hasn’t been nearly as difficult as the spiritual aspect. I grew up in the church, and because of that, I believed in a religion, not a relationship. Because of some of the prejudices I hold, it has been a real set back to my ministry, and I’ve felt it especially in the slums.
Praying out loud is something I never did. I’m consumed with fear – fear that I will say something stupid, fear that my prayer will not be good enough when compared to the others, fear that it won’t be answered. I know it’s wrong, but it has been extremely difficult to work through. I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I hope that will change soon.
One of my deepest fears is rejection, so I became, or at least tried to be a people pleaser. So when I got hurt, I would pull away from everyone. I know that at some point in time people will hurt me, so I still have a hard time believing that God will not. I’m afraid of God actually. Afraid that because I have pushed Him away so many times, He will not want me – that there is no place for me. So, while my biggest fear has been the rejection of others, I have continually rejected God.
Another problem I have had is that the gifts of the Holy Spirit make me extremely uncomfortable. To hear others speaking in tongues or prophesy, for the lack of a better term, freaks me out. I know it shouldn’t, but because I have seen others use those gifts in inappropriate ways, it has made me weary of them. I have a tendency to ignore the spiritual realm because that too scares me. I don’t have any power there, in fact, I am the weakest being and I hate that. I can’t be in control.
I still feel far behind – I still feel like I haven’t learned that much. I still feel like I’m drowning when it comes to faith, cause it’s hard. Believing in someone that I can’t see, or hear audibly makes it hard to fight doubt.
While I hope that I find out who God is during this trip, I’m also terrified at the same time. I just hope that I can overcome that fear before the trip ends. I’m still standing in the crossroads, standing on the fence. I just hope I can learn to push aside the part of me that wants to be “logical” and take that leap in faith.
Maybe this is why I came to India. Perhaps I didn’t choose India – maybe God chose it instead.
