Nice body…

 God is so sweet and good when he speaks to me. 

Ok so here it is– vulnerability– my sometimes silly feelings on a flag for the world to see…
 

For anyone that knows me deeply (like even the ugly parts of me) you know I have two pathetic problems: comparison and discouragement. And because of these I often feel a lot of pressure to be someone "better"… and cry.

I see people like my superwoman mom, fun God-loving girls on my team here in India, and other spiritual, wise people in my life who are described often with words such as "loving", "intentional", "audacious", "personable", "funny", and "wise". These traits are just so apparent in them that it is obvious they are mature Christians who are bearing much fruit. They are noticed for the wonderful work & love that they do. 

I truly want to be the best woman of God I can be. I want to be the most loving person I know. I want to be audacious, bold, and brave in relationships. I want to have the energy to care with my whole heart for each human being I encounter. I want to not be so selfish. I want to change lives by allowing Jesus to work through me. I want to be a "mature" woman always running after God's heart.

But me (being the sinner that I am)- I see these people who seem to be so mature & hear from God so much more than me and I get discouraged as I compare myself to them. They are the "Davids", the "Josephs" and the "Mother Theresas". But me- I am simply one of Josephs brothers, just a random person from David's kingdom, just someone who was not destined to be "as special". I say that I'll probably just be "average" my whole life.

And when I see areas in myself where I need to grow, instead of doing the mature thing and jumping enthusiastically at learning in how to grow in that area I usually do the immature thing- I beat myself up for not being awesome enough at it already like how blankety-blank is (comparison again), say that I'm probably hopeless so why try, decide (out of fear) not to try because I'll probably fail, and throw a little pity party while crying by myself in a room. Not healthy at all. And completely pathetic. I had one of these "attacks" tonight here in India. A comparison attack. I felt so stupid- I feel stupid alot… but I'm trying this new thing where I try to be more vulnerable with people– even about the "stupid" stuff.

I was a bit sheepish (I hate admitting to someone that I have such an immature problem that I feel like most good Christians have gotten over a long time ago) but I ended up talking with my leader about this struggle that I have- this ridiculous struggle. 

We talked about how comparison kills joy, talked about Isiah 55 & being "thirsty" for growth and how God gives to the thirsty, and knowing (& then loving) who we are specifically because we were made by God and he has different plans for each life. I hope God continues to show me who I am specifically.

I left the room feeling a little better as she prayed over me and I made a vow to myself whenever comparison or discouragement starts creeping in. I was tired though so after I made the vow to myself I pushed the thoughts aside and went to think about less exhaustingly contemplative things– like how it was so nice to get ready for bed. Brush teeth, wash face, put on pajamas. 

I crawled into bed and decided to open up my bible just for a bit before jumping into a novel I'm reading. I've been reading 1 Corinthians for all my quiet times lately. So I flipped to the next section that I'm on in 1 Corinthians— chapter 12— verses 12-31. Here it was. God was speaking to me specifically through his word. 

He told me "if the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be?" I am a special, unique, and needed part of the body and even if I'm not one of the most noticeable parts of the body at times (many people don'tnotice or recognise their thyroid on a daily basis) I do bring something to the body that ONLY I can bring. And God even told me that "those parts of the body that seem weak are indispensable." Nobody (not even my wonderful mother) brings the same thing I bring. And if I didn't bring that thing that only I possess then the body would be lacking and incomplete. And I don't exactly know what that thing is that I bring yet but I know God will not give up on me and he will make known to me who I am specifically and how he wants me to function specifically within the body.

Anyway I just think my Lord is really sweet for speaking to my heart so specifically and thought I'd share. My Lord loves me– even in all my ridiculousness, immaturity, and weakness He thinks I'm so special. Special enough to speak to me specifically to tell me that I'm special right when I need to hear it. And if my Lord (the God who knows all things) thinks I'm special well then I guess it's true- and I best start believing it about myself too 🙂

Sincerely,

An Important Part of the Body