Confessions of an Addict

    “Hi, my name is Roxy and I have a problem with being independent.” (Major props if you said “Hi Roxy” back to the screen that you are reading this off of)

    This would be one of the first things I would say at an Independence Anonymous  (if such a thing ever existed).  No, I do not have a problem with wanting to be independent.  Honestly, that is one of the most common compliments that I received (shortly followed after “You smile a lot” and “You’re such a great friend.”).  I have the desire of being as independent as possible as quick as possible once I graduate college.

    The problem?  Why would I have to go to an I.A. meeting?  Confession time: I have a problem with wanting to be TOO independent.  If I can do a task on my own, I can, and most likely will.

    Again, independence is not a problem.  BUT, when your independence is based out of selfish desires and not out of love, problems ensue.  Some normal problems: addiction (and addictions can be to anything) (also, addictions have a lot of consequences pending on the item/thing of addiction), bad life choices, prison, so on and so forth.

    The problem with being too independent?  When people really need/want to help/serve me, I reject them of that desire.  And that creates some hurt and can damage relationships.

But luckily, God fixes these things, whether we intent to or not.

    As I was prepping for training camp, I told God I wanted one thing (and that is a work in process).  But when you give anybody an inch, they will take a mile.  Instead of just working on the one thing I know needed fixing, God decided that this was the second thing that I needed to fix (the second of many things).

What’s the best way to break somebody of an independence problem?  Rip their independence away from them.

• I so desperately want to just go on walks alone to process what I’m going through (Which is why I’m known as the girl who talks to thin air).-  We’re not allowed to walk alone (For safety reasons, I quickly listen to that rule) so I have had to find teammates to go on adventures with.
• To write these blogs weekly, I need to borrow a teammates’ computer (Thank you Tori and Sarah Moody soooo much for your generosity!!).  Where I would much rather have either brought my own or not write these at all.
• For two days, I could barely move around without getting exhausted or nauseous (just your normal case of food poisoning).  Half way around the world, I could not let myself recover in the normal/desired way of getting over a sickness. (We’ll finish this one later)

  When we base our decisions out of love, bonding happens.  Healing happens when we base out life out of love.  That is why the only commandment that Jesus gave to his disciples was to LOVE.

    So, when I was sick, what did I choose to do?  After about a good solid half day of resisting letting my teammates love/serve me.  When I did, I started to feel better faster.  I could tell my teammates were happy that they could do something to help.  And no worries, I’m healthy and able to love on these kids how they need it best.

    And letting them love on me made me feel loved.  It gave me a feeling that they cared and that I can trust them.

   In less than a month, when I go home, I still want to be independent.  That’s just a part of me that was burned into me from childhood.  But this time, I want to have my independence based on love.  Not on selfish.

     I challenge you to spend a set amount of time (I’m doing 1 year) basing your independence in love. 

Will it be easy?  No.

Will you mess up? Yes

Will your life change?  Totally.

On a side note: Happy 4th of July America! (Since that is this Thursday)