I hear you in the thunder, I feel you in the raging sea.

“If we miss the God of meetings, we miss the God of the Bible.” 

So I ask myself, “Why is it so hard to really feel the Holy Spirit? To really see the Holy Spirit move? Why does it come easy to some, and so difficult for so many?” For in God’s promise, He sent the Holy Spirit to come and dwell in us, so when we just ignore that the Holy Spirit exists, we are denying what the Lord has blessed us with. We are denying the trinity, ultimately. 

Yet again, when I look back in my journal, the question still remains the same, “Why if Lord, you call me your beloved, your child, are you denying me the promise that you gave to me? Why in this place is it so much more difficult to see you, to feel you, and to be moved in and through the Holy Spirit?” 

One of the local pastors was talking to me the other day. We were just having a conversation as I was teaching him to play the guitar and introducing him to a tuner and capo for the first time. So cool to see him get to excited when he found out that he could change the entire sound of the guitar! Anyways, that was not the important part. We were just talking about the Holy Spirit, and when he preaches, he just comes with a little bit of preparation and a topic, and just lets the Holy Spirit do the rest. As I was sitting there listening I began to feel this tug on my heart, like “Audrey, you have heard this your whole life, but have you ever actually sat and thought and asked what that even really means? Do you understand the power of denying yourself and YOUR words in order to let the Holy Spirit take over?” No. I wasn’t even understanding what that would even look like for me. As he went on to explain what that means, he was still playing and it began to pull me in even more. He said, the Holy Spirit is a person, that Jesus sent HIM to dwell in us. That we can be friends with the Holy Spirit, that we can talk to Him and ask Him things, and allow Him to be apart of everything, reminding us that we are never alone. 

As you can tell, I can easily regurgitate what he said, but man, I am struggling to really believe and feel His presence. 

Then he asked me to sing with him. As a very new guitar player, there was no consistency in the chords, or even the strumming, so I just kinda laughed and was like “we will see where this one goes…” As he began, he sang, “Holy Spirit come. Holy Spirit I need you. You are my friend. Holy Spirit overwhelm us, fill us…” All of these were just said at random, so I was trying to catch on, but I just kept getting caught up in not knowing the words, feeling like someone was holding my tongue. These are things that I so desperately wanted to say, but just couldn’t. I couldn’t. Something in me didn’t believe it enough. I began to just be angry. Angry that God wouldn’t allow me to see His full potential in that moment because I don’t even understand the person that He sent here for me to have walk with me through literally anything and everything. The person that He promised to me since the day that I became a believer.

I can put on this front, I can put on this face like, “yeah, that’s right, I’m in India, and Jesus is moving, and man- me and the Holy Spirit..BFF!” I want that, I want this to be my pure heart speaking from an overflow, but when I am honest..it’s almost the opposite. I have begged the Lord each day to fill me with the Holy Spirit, to allow me to see and hear things that are through Him and not my worldly messed up self. I have yet to really feel it. 

As I sit here and read this to my roommate, there is just uneasiness in my soul. Within every fiber of my being I am just desperate for this encounter like none other. So again I ask, Lord- why is the most important part of this trip for me, the things that you have spoken to me over and over again so far from reach? When I am nothing, when I am weak, when I literally have all things physical pulled from around me, where is the Holy Spirit to guide me, to make me strong, to give me heavenly ways, and not mine.

I have come to no conclusion yet, the Lord has yet to reveal to me the next step past just desperation for the Holy Spirit. I have a bittersweet mindset on this, because the reality is- not everything is nice and neat and checked off the list. Not everything gets to come to a close, a place of just ultimate understanding. I am still wrestling with God, I am still asking and seeking why and what and how. I am uneasy and confused. But then there is this sweetness about it, where the Lord has robbed me more and more of worldly time and spending more time with Him. Just Him. To care enough, to put this fiery burning desire in my heart to not stop asking and trusting that ultimately He is good. He will provide. 

Psalm 28:1-2

To you oh Lord, I call;

my rock, do not refuse to hear me,

for if you are silent to me, 

I shall be like those who go down to the Pit.

Hear the voice of my supplication,

as I cry to you for help,

as I lift up my hands

toward your most holy sanctuary.