Dear Jesus.
I am really glad that you know my heart and it’s thoughts and attitudes. I am glad that no matter what the world thinks of me, you know me. You really, really know me. This morning you reminded me what it means to love. You gave a message to the kids using me, and in doing so, you refreshed me.
Jesus, I am really scared of going home. I know that you have taught me so much here, and I know that you will go home with me when I go… but I am scared of how I will be treated and the response I will have to it. It isn’t going to be the easiest thing in the world to go from peeing in a bucket, showering out of a bucket, walking barefoot everywhere, and spending every day of the past four months with 25 little Indian children to being home in America showering in a legitimate shower, peeing in a toilet that isn’t filthy, and going places with people I have spent most of my life with.
I am really scared of the moments that I will have almost every day at first where I am hanging out with my old friends or family that is all so familiar to me, and for a split second feel like none of this ever happened. It really feels like I got here, and a week later we are leaving. It is just a matter of a blink.
I know that you will sustain me, though. I know that when I am scared and I feel overwhelmed with going back to reality that you will draw me a quiet place with you. Jesus, please.
I am sitting here crying as I think about going home. I mean, every part of me wants so badly to be home with everyone that I am used to being around, but my heart reminds me that when I go home that I have to leave my team – the only people who REALLY understand (besides you) the emotions that I am going through. I can’t describe the pain I feel when I think about how it is a matter of 36 hours. I am here with my team, which I have been through so much with over 4 months, and then 36 hours later I am in America… saying goodbye to them after just saying goodbye to my India that has become such a part of who I am in you.
I know that I could ask you right now to make me feel comfortable and unafraid when I get home… but instead, overwhelm me with brokenness and give me a heart and desire to seek you in the brokenness so that I can experience you just like I did here; so that I can be reminded that I praise the God that is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow; the God that is in India with me and the God that is in America with me. You are ALWAYS with me.
Move me to worship and see you with clear eyes and a clear heart so that I can carry out the mission you have given me to do at home.
