Shedding the Scales of an Old Life

India has made a snake out of me.

I am shedding the skin of my former self and taking on the flesh of a new me. A flesh equipped in fresh ways and truths that I never thought myself capable of. But India has made them necessary. The call to serve has made them both imminent and possible. And though there are days when I feel weak and incapable of the love, patience, and wisdom required to work with special needs children, I am infinitely encouraged just by looking back on my past month in India and not even remembering the woman I was before I stepped on that first plane to Hyderabad.

India has been many things for me.

It’s been a time of transition, a time of learning, a time of personal growth, and a time of community.

It has also been a time of doubt, a time of fear, a time of chaos, and a time of exhaustion.

I have been pushed to my very limit here. I’m an introvert. I have anxiety. I have a deep fear of commitment. I have an even deeper fear of being known. All of those things, the insecure parts of me, have been pushed to the limit in India. Here are a few things this trip has been teaching me through redeeming and forcing me to address those insecurities and anxieties:

1. THERE IS BEAUTY IN RELENTLESS COMMUNITY

I live in a room with five women that is about the size of a standard college dorm room. Needless to say, it’s hard. It gets hot. It gets cramped. It gets loud. There is never a solitary moment. But, it’s community. There’s beauty in waking up and seeing the face of your sister and knowing that you’re about to tackle the day together. There is beauty in laying on the rooftop under the glow of the full moon, listening to the sound of drums and tuk tuk horns, bawling your eyes out as you unearth all of your troubles to your sisters. There is beauty in sitting down for breakfast in silence as the early morning sun drips over the table, and the only sound to be heard is the crunching of sub-par cereal and the faded sound of a cheesy Bollywood movie playing somewhere in the background.

2. LEARN FROM THOSE WHO ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOU

Learn from the person with a different understanding of the world. I never thought that I would be sitting in the middle of an Indian bazaar discussing philosophy with a Hindu man. He was so wise and impassioned about his beliefs, but also so eager to learn from us. He wanted to impart his own wisdom, while taking the time to open his heart to ours. It was beautiful, and all it took was one moment of banishing the fear of being judged or misunderstood.

Learn from the women who spend their lives caring for multiple special needs children. Women who sacrifice time with their families in their home villages for months at a time. Women who have selflessly come to serve the forgotten and give them a life of normalcy and care. Language barrier or not, actions speak, if you are only willing to open your heart to hear them.

Learn from the children you have the honor of teaching. Children who have been thought incapable and worthless by others. Children who have so much love to give and patience, grace, and joy to teach. Learn from them and you will love them. Deafen your ears to their cries and open the ears of your hearts to the fear and longing behind them. Use that to go beyond your own fear of failure. Let love and confidence propel you into progress.

3. PUSH YOURSELF BEYOND WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE CAPABLE OF 

I have been sick approximately 3 times in five weeks. I’ve had it all—colds, coughs, nausea, migraines—and no, it has not been pleasant. It’s been mentally, physically, and spiritually grueling. Getting up to try and teach preschool with children who sometimes have off days, who drool and fall asleep while you’re teaching them, who struggle to identify their alphabet, who don’t listen when you’ve repeated instructions what feels like 20 times, is HARD. It’s a mental game. But pushing myself to keep going, to not spend all week in bed, has been beyond rewarding. Because those same children have superb days, they have days when your activity makes them so excited that they go show everyone what you pushed them to do, they dance around on their knees because they’re so excited you’re there, and they smile and snort-laugh so hard when they’re around you it cold break the ice off of the Grinch’s cold dead heart.

4. LET YOURSELF LOVE HARD

I get to work with Molly, Lily, Connor, Kristy, and Zack for a reason.

Molly needs someone to clap her hands for her, someone to feed her a snack, someone to help her do the motions to “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” because she can’t physically do those things on her own.

Lily needs someone to push her to use her intelligence and someone to help her walk.

Connor needs someone to hold him when he cries (aka all the time), someone to help him feel physically comfortable, someone to strengthen his body.

Kristy needs someone to help her to sit up, someone to give her physical interaction she’s never had, someone to help stimulate her sensory needs.

Zack needs someone to help him grab onto things, someone to help him sit up on his own because his hydrocephalus won’t let him do that himself, someone to treat him with gentility.

All of these children deserve what they need medically and physically. But even more so, they deserve the love that so many of them were deprived of in their early years. They deserve one on one attention, they deserve my patience, they deserve fulfilling relationships, they deserve emotional investment.

It’s a big job and it’s not an easy one either.

And I get to do it.

And I am honored to do it.

I am honored to be in India. I get to eat the best curry and naan. I get to smell weird smells. I get to drive in Ramu’s tuk tuk. I get run around on roof tops with the best views. I get to be a kid every day and play with shaving cream, blare Disney music, and sing at the top of my lungs. 

But I also get to be loved on relentlessly, and I get to love relentlessly on others. That is the best gift of all. I wasn’t strong enough to receive nor give that gift 5 weeks ago, but that I am learning to accept now.

So thank you India, for forcing me to begin shedding the skin of doubt, anxiety, and laziness I once wore, and cloaking me in the new flesh of the passionate, selfless servant I desire to be.