Not Enough

This week my heart has been completely and totally destroyed for the kingdom, and probably had one of the hardest days of my entire life. 

The beginning of the week we finished our sewing project, thank goodness. I was so ready to get out of the house, and love on some kids. We got out assignment for Wednesday through Saturday, to get paired with a child and just love on them as well as help him or her with their physical therapy if it is needed. 

We get to Victory House and as usual the kids swarmed us. Jillian, the physical therapist, walked us through the rooms to pair us up with a kid. The first room we walked into was a room filled with beds of young boys who mainly have cerebral palsy, and I was chosen. Literally. My boy was on the ground and as soon as he saw me he grabbed onto my leg and was climbing up my body. I could tell he was going to be a handful, but his smile melted my heart. For the purpose of this blog I will call him S, because their real names cannot be used.

S crawled into my lap and from then on I was sold. The only way I could get him to stop whimpering was when I had him in my arms flinging him around in the court yard, throwing him in the air, and spinning him around while he was just dead weight in my arms and he didn't stop smiling for a second. I did this for two straight hours along with singing Jesus loves me to him, and loving him as much as possible. By lunch time my arms were noodles and I was very ready for a lunch break. 

After I got back from lunch S was still napping, so I was searching for purpose when I found the boy I spent my first day at victory home with, A. He recognized me and crawled as best as he could over to me. His face lit up and he tapped on me to lift him up and hug him. I realized just how much my time with him meant to him, and I was so happy. We spent time together, and I poured as much of my heart into him as I could. We cuddled, I spun him around, and I let him play wit my punjabi scarf while I told him how loved he was by not only me, but also our Heavenly Father. Then tragedy struck.

S woke up from his nap and was crying. I was torn. These kids both knew the feeling of abandonment all too well. They were rejected by their society, the families, and were finally feeling the love that their heart so craved. How could I abandon either of them? But I had a job to do. So I told A to follow me into the other room. I got S out of bed and cuddled with him a but while A watched from a distance. The look on his face killed me, the once huge grin and loving expression was replaced with one of confusion and abandonment. His spirit looked broken and hurt and it was because of me. 

So I tried my hardest to love both of them at the same time. Tickling one, while scratching the others back. Giving one water while singing to the other. I was over whelmed and running out of energy. They needed love so much, and I realized that there was no way that I was going to be enough for both of them. When I realized that I broke down in the middle of the room surrounded by chaos. I was crying while holding both of them still rocking them and singing, in the middle of the orphanage. How pathetic I must have looked then. A looked up at me, smiled that beautiful God filled smile of his, took the shirt he was wearing and wiped away my tears. I wish I could tell you properly the way that made me feel in that moment, but that moment was ineffable. I felt the love of Christ through a 10 year old boy with cerebral palsy.

He helped me realize that no matter how hard I tried I wouldn't be enough, and that was okay. God loves him, and that's enough. I am merely Gods vessel. I'm not perfect, I'm not super human. I'm just a small town Florida girl with a big heart and that's all I need to be.