Depression (noun):
1.) feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
As a female I am not a stranger to having feelings I can’t explain. Emotions often creep up on me and swallow me. Not that I’d like to attribute emotional unstability to a particular gender, but ladies, I think you understand what I mean. When confronted with something I don’t understand I get frustrated. I let my circumstances dictate how I handle everything else.
This past week I was low. We’re talking past rock bottom, sediment low. I stayed in bed as long as possible in the morning. I was quiet. I snapped at my sisters. Sassitude was oozing out of my pores. And I didn’t know why.
I could give excuses for days, there were plenty of reasons for me to be sad. But not one of them rationalized the way I was handling what I felt inside. And so I hadn’t been eating. I had several nervous habits. I was exhausted all the time.
One day I was in the park with some of the girls from Joy Home. I was sitting on one of the benches and a girl was standing behind me. She started to go through my hair and then gravely said, “sister, you having lice.” Internally I screamed. I froze for a moment.
“What?” I asked her. She responded by putting a little crawling bug in my hand. I sighed. More to be sad about. She kept going through my hair, pulling out bug after bug and putting them in my hand. She put one in my hand and I screamed. It was as big as a dime. I started to cry then.
A while later, after I had washed all of my belongings and lice shampooed my hair, I was sitting on the floor in my room. One of my teammates was behind me, raking a lice comb through my hair. I was feeling sick and was scared to know what my leader’s reaction would be. I thought for sure she would be angry, for some reason. She walked in the door, put two and two together, and told me we should be doing that outside so that I didn’t wash everything for nothing. I proceeded out the door and she called me back for a second. I snapped at her and she raised her eyebrows. I quickly apologized, but she knew I was stressed.
She took my hands and started to pray. I started to cry again. And then she looked me in the eye and asked me if getting lice is worth being here, serving these children. I didn’t hesitate when I said yes. Something moved within me after that. I am serving a purpose here. God’s purpose.
He reminds me when I’m low that I made the choice to be sad. I have everything in the world to be thankful for. Even lice. I still have things to work out. I’d love to say after that I’m living the perfect missionary life, but I’d be lying so much that I wouldn’t be able to make it through the sentence.
I’m in India, working with the most special kids I’ve ever met. Not special because of their disabilities, but because of the abilities they have in spite of them. I have the most incredible people on my team that I could have ever dreamt of. They love me, push me, challenge me, and tease me. I have the privilege of being present in India for another month. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.
